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Roommate, I hate you because you use all of my conditioner.
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Roommate, I hate you because your boyfriend needs to either move out or start paying rent.
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Roommate, I hate you because toilet paper doesn't come from the magical toilet paper fairy. You need to pick it up at Duane Reade.
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Roommate, I hate you because I pick you up from the bars then you keep me up all night because you are playing "cat daddy" in your room while dancing with your friends.
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Roommate, I hate you because you never fill up the Brita. WTF.
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Roommate, I hate you because you use all of my conditioner.
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